Blood is thicker than water...or is it?

That's an age old saying I've begun to question the validity of in recent weeks. I'm convinced that whoever coined this phrase never had so much as a scuffle with their family members. Now, we all know every family has their little quirks and disagreements, otherwise they're just not normal. After all, we can't all be the Brady Bunch. Not that I'm trying to knock the Brady Bunch; I'm pretty envious of them right now.

Don't get me wrong, I've always counted myself extremely lucky when it comes to the blessings of family. However, lately Adam and I have been forced to take a step back and do a reevaluation of those we considered to be indispensable. And by indispensable, I mean people I opened my heart up to and loved like I would my own blood. I should probably say this reevaluation process isn't something we've come to by choice. It's been more of a whirlwind chain of events we've been thrust into whether we were ready for it or not. Although I don't see how anyone could possibly ready themselves to experience the things my husband and I have been through.

I can't get through the simplest task, like brushing my teeth, without asking myself the same question over and over: if I had known, twelve years ago, I'd be battling one of the most difficult battles, would I have opened up and let myself become so blindly attached?

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for that because I simply don't know. It's sort of like that phrase, "better to have loved that not to have loved at all." I'm not sure if I agree with this.

Some of you reading this may say that's no way to live. But I say anything has to be better than the deep rooted hurt and betrayal that's made a permanent home in my heart. Oddly enough anger is one of those useless emotions I haven't felt, which caught me by surprise, to be honest. I must admit though, at times it does start to churn inside me if I let myself think too much. I'm not sure which is worse: feeling betrayed by those who you love, or becoming angry over something you can't change.

This is the internal conflict Adam and I have had over the past thirty or so days. We've been told this is only going to get uglier, which I'm not sure is even possible. Nevertheless, we both know we'll be walking away from this feeling like we've lost a piece of ourselves that we'll never be able to get back. Yes, to an extent time does heal all wounds, but one never truly forgets do they? Over time I might be able think about those who once had such a special place in my heart. And, yes, the pain may not be as crippling. But I'll always carry those ugly battle scares we incur while experiencing an encounter such as this.

I have to be honest, this post isn't entirely satisfying because I don't think these words are doing my true feelings any justice. It's sort of like losing someone to a long battle with cancer. Only the deceased is someone who was taken against their will, and given the choice they'd rather spend their time among people they love the most. All I can say is, these aren't people Adam and I have lost to cancer. But the end result is still the same. For the rest of your life, you walk around thinking how quickly your loved one was taken from you and how unfair it is. And there are a thousand things you need to say to them but...you just can't.

At the end of the day, we all have choices we make in life. I can't say that I regret any of mine; they've shaped me into the person I am today. Ask my husband and he'll probably tell you a different story. Regardless of what decisions we made, these events would have transpired anyway. But it doesn't make the outcome any easier to swallow.

When this is over, all Adam and I can do is pick up the bloody pieces left behind. Perhaps over time we can take those pieces and put our hearts back together. Adam might be able to. He is, after all, a fixer who wants instant gratification. He'll try as much as he's able to mend these severely broken relationships. He might even admit wrongdoing, because that's just the way he is. As for me... well, my husband and I are very different people. Things tend to linger with me longer than I would care for. I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I could open up my wounded heart and let people back in. To be honest, I don't know if I want to.

Until next time.