A Nice Treat for the Whole Family? Not So Much

A few nights ago, as I lay in my King size bed in those few moments before i drift off to slumber-land, I scrolled through the guide on the TV looking for something watchable to give me that gentle nudge i need to get to sleep. Most nights there aren't a whole lot short of ridiculous reality shows and re-runs of movies I've seen one too many times.

During my third tip through the channels i finally settled on Dances With Wolves. Granted I have seen this movie more times than i can count. But it's one of the few movies that's worth watching more than once. Why is that? Well for one thing, the script isn't some stupid nonsense with one curse word after another. And the acting is far superior than ninety percent of the garbage out there. Which made me think...movies these days are no where near the quality they used to be. I just can't bring myself to spend a whopping $10 for a movie that isn't even worth my time to watch on TBS. Movies that are so lame and predictable, my 4 year old could have done a better job.

That led me to this morning, watching the last half of Apollo 13 - another movie worth watching more than once. As the last of the credits of one of Tom Hanks' best movies came to a close another movie began. Something titled One Missed Call. I remembered seeing previews when it first came out, but nothing about this movie flickered the tiniest spark of interest in me. As the opening credits appeared on the screen I was momentarily distracted by my 2 children demanding attention. By the time I had the baby down for a nap and Hannah preoccupied with some toys, the first scene of the movie had opened. For those of you who've never seen this, here is my synopsis of this Oscar-worthy film.

Your cell phone rings and you hear a message of yourself dying. Can you guess what happens next? That's right folks.... you die! Not enough to grab your attention? Keep reading; it gets so much more interesting.

Our heroine in this movie keeps getting bombarded by friends who are receiving these mysterious phone calls, like she has the know-how to solve this predicament all by her little-bitty self. Two problems i have with this: no one seems even remotely perplexed that they are hearing themselves on their own voice mail. These messages earn nothing more than a few furrowed brows and some, "hmm, that's strange." Followed by them snapping their cell phones shut and prancing along their merry way. When the friends start dying some strange, otherwordly deaths, that again no one seems bothered by this, our heroine starts developing a 6th sense to detect the danger around her. For some unexplainable reason she sees things no one else does. Coinsidence? I like to refer to it as plain old bad writing.

Wait, there's more. Instead of realizing that no one could possibly be killed by a cell phone, our genious female lead gathers all her friends' cell phones and destroys them. However, much to the audiences' shock, the phones continue to torment these people. As the movie progesses, the scenes are nothing more than the characters walking down dark, deserted streets, all the while sensing the impending doom that lurks just around the corner. Or in some scenes on the other side of a front door. Im sorry, but when someone knocks on my door I don't slowly approach it while hyperventilating and biting my lip. But, then again, had my cell phone been stalking me I might have. But as the terrified girl slowly got closer and closer to her door i wanted to shout, "don't open it. It's your cell phone!"

Still not hooked? Just wait. I haven't gotten to the climax yet. It gets so much better.

As we near the ending scene, the heroine, along with a hunky police detective she's teamed up with, investigate one dead end after another. In the meantime her friends keep dropping dead from causes that no one can figure out. At the end our two leads end up in yet another dark and deserted place: a wherehouse. Don't these people know that the bad guy is always skulking in a dark, filthy wherehouse? But nevertheless their clues, and when i say clues i mean their own brilliant intuition, leads them to this place. And, to the advantage of our phsycopath, there are no human beings within a 50 mile radius. I don't know about you, but that would be my first clue to run screaming in the other direction. Regardless they are brave enough to venture here and apprehend their suspect with their own two hands.

As they slowly make their way inside they are greeted with sharp metal objects hanging in every available space in this place. Another coincidence? Nope, still just bad writing.

Suddenly, our two brave heros are chasing this mysterious foe who has a superhuman sense to stay one step ahead of them the entire time. Just then, the detective is rendered unconscience by something he doesn't even see coming, leaving the poor helpess female to be assaulted by the mystery killer.

As she very dramatically tries to waken her male protector, she realizes she has to run! now, instead of using her brain and running to the nearest police station, she somehow makes it inside the air vents, only to be caught. And it is finally revealed that our killer is actually some disgusting, sub-human creature who lacks the ability to walk or talk. Our heroine lays helplessly while this alien-thing crawls on hands and knees, snarling like a rabid dog closer and closer. Funny, how this thing didn't hesitate to kill all her friends, but suddenly grows a conscience when it comes to the lead character. How very strange...

But it doesn't end there. No, luckily, and mysteriously this girl, maybe by the powers of persuasoin, gets away. As I sat precariously on the edge of my seat, biting my nails in anticipation the sub-human monster somehow knows where our girl lives. And when her doorbell rings, her woman's intuition tells her something not-so-nice looms on the other side. But before she can get there, the door is blasted open, knocking her on her backside. But, just when you are really riveted and waiting for this girl to be put out of her misery, the alien-thing is sucked back into the cell phone from where it originated. And our heroine walks away unscathed.

And so ends another original yet far-fetched horror movie. And before I knew it, somewhere in the vicinity of 2 hours had passed and i'd watched this entire film. But not because it was good. It couldn't tear myself away because I just had to see how many similarities this movie had with other dozens of sub-human horror films that had passed before it. And let me tell you, there are A LOT. Whatever happend to just having a person who goes whacko and starts hacking away at people with a larger than average butcher knife? Guess those days are over....

But at the end of the day, I'd have to say this movie ranks up there with scrubbing toilets.

Until next time...