It's happening again

I'm one of those people who's not so good with voicing my thoughts. Ask me what I'm thinking and you're likely to get an, "oh, nothing." But give me a computer and a piece of paper and I write them down with greater ease than i can speak them. That's a character flaw of mine that drives Adam crazy. In any event, I'm having one of those rare moments where I can't stop thinking and I start to feel like I'm about to have an anxiety attack. Instead of calling Adam and making him crazy with a subject he'd rather not hear about, I've decided to take my emotions out on my poor keyboard. Most of you reading this, probably already know what I'm going to be talking about, especially if you read one of my older post.

I told myself I would not do this again, but I find myself feeling like I have no choice. I HAVE to get this out or else I'll end up taking it out on my poor husband and kids. And since I'll never get to say these words to the person they're directed at, I'll have to settle for typing them instead. I know this person will never read this, and if he does...you know who you are, so I'm not going to use any names. And I'm not going waste time pleading my case and explaining our actions. This is simply how I feel and the thoughts that are running rampant in my head right now. Besides, It won't do any good for a man who only believes what he wants to believe.

I thought I'd gotten to the point where I could go days without thinking about him and when I did, it was more of a distant memory. But for some reason, this morning, I'd gone from thinking about what to do for dinner tonight to this person. All of a sudden I was filled with so much emotion, my hands started trembling and my eyes filled with tears. The words, so many of them I couldn't even think clearly, were too much for me to handle. No matter how much I try, I can't make sense of the situation. It's like living in The Twilight Zone. It's a territory I'm so unfamiliar with, that I don't know what to do with myself. Part of me wants to shout how angry and confused I am, the other part can't stop crying.

The worst part is not knowing why. As long as I live I will never understand how easy it was for him lie to my face. Or why he felt compelled to be so deceptive and dishonest over something that should have never been an issue to begin with. I want to pound on his front door and demand an explanation. I want to know what was going through his head when he set out to screw over his brother's kids. I want to know if he feels guilty, or if he misses us, or he knows deep down inside what he's done is wrong. I want to know why he thinks he should get everything and his brother's kids deserve nothing. These are the words that are constantly going through my head until i get to the point where I can't stand being in my own skin. I want him to know how i feel. I want him to know how hurt and angry and betrayed and confused I am. I want to say all this to him so he'll feel the pinprick straight through his heart the way he's done mine. I thought about sending him a long e-mail to give him a piece of my mind. But I knew he'd delete it without reading. Because in his twisted mind , we're the bad guys.

The only satisfaction I get is thinking how one day he'll come face to face with his brothers again. And he'll have to explain to them why he did this. He'll have to tell them why he thought their children didn't deserve what was rightfully theirs. And why he had to deceive them to get his hands on what didn't belong to him. And for what? He's successfully alienated himself from people he was closest with. Frankly, he was lucky to have us and our kids in his life. Someone who could lie as easily as he did, doesn't deserve to have a relationship with his brother's children.

Of course, this is my anger talking. A part of me hopes to never see his face again. Another part wants to if only for him to see what he's missing. I want to believe that deep down he knows this is wrong and he's wrong. That when he looks at himself in the mirror, he doesn't recognize the face staring back at him. I want him to knock on our door and beg our forgiveness and tell us how sorry he is for lying. I know this will never happen and I'm only setting myself up for disappointment. I can't help it because I can't stop feeling that way. I can't stop these thoughts that haunt me all the time. I can't stop seeing his face and wanting to stomp my feet at how unfair this is. I can't stop thinking about this past year and how every time we saw him, another lie rolled off his tongue, hoping we were stupid enough to believe him.

Why are we the bad guys here? Why are we being bad-mouthed to people Adam and I still wanted to have a relationship with? Thinking about what's being said about us burns me up inside. Certain people judged us without giving us the courtesy of hearing what we have to say. What families do that to each other? I want to think this is more than just about greed. No matter how I try to make sense of this, it always comes back to that. Such a useless and pointless thing has torn this family apart.

I'm not sure what else I can say. I want to keep typing until I feel satisfied i've gotten my feelings out. That'll never happen until I've come face to face with the man who did this. The problem is, I'm not sure I can be in the same room with him. He's lost my trust and respect. I'll never look at him the same again and I don't know if he'll ever be able to get it back.

***Sigh***

To this man, you know who you are, next time you look yourself in the mirror, give yourself a big pat on the back.

Until next time...