Playing Catch Up

So, I know I've been really lazy about posting lately. To be honest, not a whole lot has been happening worth posting about. Well, except for the 6'2", 200lb, fifteen year old now living in our loft, which is only semi-private. But that doesn't seem to bother Jon. In fact, not a whole lot bother's him anyway. He likes the high school and seems to be adjusting well, except when he walks out the door in shorts and a T-shirt when it's 32 degrees outside. Then I sort of wonder about his sanity. But like I said, not a whole lot bothers Jon.

But that's not what this post is about.

It's about my so-called New Year's Resolution (for lack of a better term). And I don't even like that term because I never follow through with it. By the time February rolls around my "resolution" has been shoved the part of my brain labeled "I'll Get Around To This Eventually." But then I never do. I think the last time I made a resolution was in high school. I always had that one english teacher who assigned a paper before the Christmas break where we were supposed to come up with a New Year's resolution and how we plan on following through with it. And I always thought, "Seriously, what the heck am I learning from this?" I usually BS'd my way through it until my nonsense words filled up the mandatory one page. And we all know that when we're writing something that doesn't interest us, one page can feel like 10 pages.

This is all completely beside the point. The point is if I did have a resolution (which I really don't) it would be about forgiveness and my ability to actually dish it out - or rather not. We all have our own interpretations of what it means to forgive, at least I do. After enough time has gone by that person who did you wrong has become such a distant memory that you think to yourself, "I don't really care anymore so I guess I forgive them." But is that really what forgiveness is all about? If you say you forgive a person but you still can't bring yourself to maintain a relationship with them, then you really haven't forgiven them, have you?

When I looked up the literal definition of forgive in websters dictionary, this is what I found. To give up resentment of or claim to requital for; to cease to feel resentment. I don't know about anyone else, but the part I struggle with the most is ceasing to feel resentment. I don't think I've ever uttered the words, "I forgive you." I've certainly said, "Oh, It's okay," or "don't worry about it." But that's not really the same. Because in a very dark part of my mind lingers the tiniest bit of resenment for whatever wronged me. I honestly don't believe that we as human beings have the power to completely forgive a person without some otherwordly help. Maybe that's why I have such a had time forgiving people because I'm not asking for that help. I don't know why I don't. Maybe I feel that if I do forgive a person I'm admitting that whatever happened isn't a big deal or it doesn't really matter. And the things that warrant the forgiveness are a big deal and I can't seem to get to that point where I can let go of all the resentment I feel. I don't really want to walk around knowing I'm deluding myself by saying I've forgiven a person but I still resent them. I don't like being that sort of hypocrite.

For the most part, I think forgiveness is too complex a thing for us to fully understand. But maybe I should be only speaking for myself. I'm sure it's entirely possible for there to be people out there who have no problem forgiving people. They're of the mindset that they don't want to waste their precious time holding grudges. It's not that I like carrying all this baggage around. I just don't think I'm a strong enough person to completely let go of all my resentment. I know what my problem is too; I don't pray about this enough. I don't know why I don't; I should. The Lord is just waiting for me to hand these problems over to Him so they don't weigh on my troubled mind. I think it's one of those things where you have to want the help, and I don't think I do. Sometimes I think I do and other times I'm not sure. I know I'm the worst sort of headcase if I can't figure out whether or not I want to forgive a person. The answer should be a given, right?

Anyway, 2009 really tested my ability to forgive in ways I never thought I would have to deal with. As 2010 rolls on, it has gotten easier to ask that simple question. I've gotten to the point where instead of an immediate, "Hell, no," now it's an head bob accompanied by a "I'm still not sure." I guess that's progress right? Maybe by the time 2011 comes I'll have left the maybe category and stepped foot inside the yes column. I'm not going to hold my breath. There are things coming that will determine my ability to forgive. I don't want them to. Try as might, I know it's inevitable. I have good intentions though. It's just that my follow through sort of sucks.

I guess now is a good place as any to end my rambling. I know some of this doesn't make much sense to those of you out there. Heck, some of it doesn't make sense to me.

In a round about way, I'm what I'm trying to say is if I had a resolution (which I don't) it would be the ability to forgive. It's sort of like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We always search for it, we want it, but we can never get a hold of it.

until next time...