Kern Family Chaos

Blah

2010-05-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

So, i haven't blogged in forever. I wish i could offer some really good excuse like I was abducted by aliens or I was rendered unconscious and have been in a coma. Alas all I can chalk it up to is plain old laziness. And the fact that nothing even remotely exciting as happened to us. Except maybe something that's been going on since last year is finally over. At least that's what i've decided because I just don't give a rip anymore.

The kids are almost done with school. Hannah finishes on friday and Jon finishes next week - he'll be finishing the year with a 3.0 or higher and Adam and I couldn't be more proud considering what his GPA was in california. Ninety degree weather here in north Texas hit so fast that I don't think we really had a spring. It just sort of went from cold to hot and humid in a matter of like 2 weeks. Not something I'm used to considering it takes the Bay Area like 3 months to go from the 70s to the 90s.

Like I said, not really anything has happened that's worth blogging about. I have to mention some people I miss: my sister, Rachel, Joe, g-ma and g-pa. there are other people i miss but...we won't go there.

until next time...

Same old, same old

2010-03-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

As usual nothing really exciting has happened here this week. Well, maybe one little thing, but I wouldn't call it exciting. I took Hannah to a rehabilitation center to have a hearing evaluation done because in February she failed a hearing test she had to have done for school. Her pediatrition told me she had to have a hearing evaluation done to find out why she failed her test. Once at the rehab center the nurses led her into a booth the size of a port-a-potty. About thirty minutes later the nurse told me Hannah suffers from something called temporary hearing loss. When she told me this I sort of freaked out and starting thinking that we'd have to have hearing aids made for her. When she explained it to me, she said that Hannah's inner ear, which is the important part, is just fine. But her middle ear, the eardrum, is surrounded by so much fluid and wax that it's preventing her from hearing things the way they should be heard. She's actually hearing things like she's underwater.

So, now I have to take her to an ear, nose and throat specialist to determine how to fix the problem. The nurse said they might opt to put tubes in her ears. I hope that doesn't mean surgery but I have a horrible feeling it does. I always thought when Hannah said, "What?" all the time she wasn't paying attention. I guess it means that she actually can't hear me. However, since she's young it's something that can be fixed but it could lead to long-term problems if it's left ignored.

Anyway, I'll know for sure this afternoon after her appointment.

This week's American Idol had some surprises and some disappointments. Some notable's I have to mention are Michael Lynche, Casey James, Lily Scott and Andrew Garcia (although I was disappointed by his performance this week). All in all I do agree with who America sent home, with the exception of Haeley Vaughn. I understand her performance on Wednesday wasn't the best but I liked her from the very beginning and thought she should have stayed at least another week. In any event, I was more impressed by the men this week than I was the women, but I do think this is the women's year to take the title.

until next time...

Three times in one week?

2010-02-26T09:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but I think I deserve an award for blogging three times this week. I said I was going to be better about posting and here I am, just as promised.

I just watched last night's American Idol and I feel I need to comment on who America decided to send home. First of all, I do not think Janelle should have been one of the ones to leave. In my opinion she had one of the best voices out of all the girls. And when I saw her standing next to Katelyn, who btw had one of the most boring performances on Tuesday, I though Katelyn would have been the one to go. Once again I disagree with who America chose to send home. But what do I know? I'm just one of the viewers who never votes. As for Ashley, I was never really impressed with her anyway, so I wasn't that heartbroken when she left.

As for the men, I cannot believe Joe Munoz was eliminated over Tim Urban. Not that I had anything against Tim but his performance was way worse than Joe's and I think Joe had a better voice anyway. Now, I was also never really a big fan of Tyler Grady's but I was surprised that he left over the other guy...I can't even remember his name. The one with really awkward performance and who stared into the camera like he was possessed. Alex, I think his name is. Once again I don't really understand the logic of some of these voters. But since I don't vote I guess I don't have a whole lot of room to talk.

I took my car the get the oil changed this morning. Is it just me, or do mechanic's act like they're being inconvenienced when you walk into their shop? Maybe that's just the experience I had. And they always try to tell me my car needs work other than what I brought it in for. Okay, if I want my air filter changed I would have asked for one.

And today will be another typical day at the Kern house. Get Jon and Hannah off to school, come home, put Brady down for a nap, watch some of my recorded shows (cause this is the only quiet time I get), get Brady up from his nap, feed him, pick Hannah up, an hour and a half later pick jon up, cook dinner, bathe the kids, put them to bed and collapse on the couch exhausted and ready to fall asleep.

And, I've officially decided Wall-E is the cutest Disney character ever created. I just want to give that robot a big hug.

Until next time...

From Dell to HP

2010-02-24T09:35:00.000-08:00

So, I'm trying to be better about blogging. Instead of my usual once a month post, I'm trying to make myself post every few days. It's just that sometimes there isn't really anything to write about because...well...nothing exciting enough happens that's worth posting about. Here I am, sitting on the couch, typing on my brand-spanking new laptop and watching last night's recording of American Idol. So far mixed reviews for the women. Why do these contestants keep picking songs that are all wrong for them? All that does is make them sound pitchy and off key. And many of them will die an early death like they have in seasons past. And then I'll say ,"what is wrong with these voters."

Anyway, I got the kids off to school with my usuall hustle and bustle. Hannah and I had our customary back and forth banter. "Honey, let's go brush your teeth." "But i don't want to brush my teeth." "But we have to get ready for school." "But i don't want to go to school." And so on and so forth. At the end of our meaningless argument I walk away feeling like Linda Blair from The Excorcist and my head is spinning round and round. I have to remind myself that she's five and is extra susceptible to moodiness and tantrums. By the time we got to school she was excited to be there and her mood had done a complete 180. And then I feel guilty for getting mad at her. Don't worry folks, this is a daily routine I've long since become used to. I figure this is all preparation for when she's a teenager and she's gone from simple defiance to hating my guts. But I'm willing to take one for the team.

Last but not least I need to give a shout out to those I miss. My sister (who's always at the top of that list and we're way overdue from some video chat), Joe (who I hope to see before he leaves for his mission), Rachel (the sweetest girl ever and is so good to my kids). and i need to give a much long over due shout out to my new niece Madison who was born on December 31st. welcome to the world Maddie.

until next time... btw, here are our pictures from San Antonio

Here's Brady in the hotel room the morning after our ER trip and his sleepless night

Front view of The Alamo. It's actually a lot smaller in person

The guy in the middle with his back turned is my dad...not sure what he's doing here and I don't know where my mom was. And for those of you who haven't seen me in a while, yes my hair is no longer blond.

Here's Adam right after the ceremony holding a very cranky Brady, who'd gone the entire day without napping. And he'd thrown up earlier in the day from the aftereffects of the Adderall. Good times.

Introducing the Class of 2010

2010-02-23T15:32:00.000-08:00

In the recently transformed arena of the Alamo Dome, countless family members and friends waited impatiently for their loved ones to come walking across the cement floor in their black cap and gowns, adorned with their multicolored stoles around their necks. For the next two or so hours we would watch while speeches were given and names were called for students to receive their diplomas from the University of Phoenix.

Let's rewind about 36 hours.

Friday morning, Adam and I got up and looked out the window to see if any of the 12+ inches of snow we'd received had started to melt. It hadn't. The only ground that could be seen was from where two parallel lines of tire marks had been made by a few lone cars. All around our neighborhood, fresh snow blanketed every possible surface, sending all of north Texas in a panic. After all, it's not like we've got snow plows on standby. Countless two-wheel drive cars could be seen on the side of the roads from where they'd lost control. Luckily for us Adam's truck is equipped with some impressive tires. Nevertheless, we left home Friday morning, driving slower than usual, trying to stay within the tracks already made by previous cars. By the time we got to the south side of Ft Worth the snow had cleared enough for us to drive at a reasonable speed. 6 hours later, we made it to San Antonio where we checked in to our hotel with Lorna and Barbara (mother and step-mother for those of you who don't know).

The Hyatt Place gave us a warm welcome and rooms the size of a small apartment (and we sure needed it with all the adults and kids we had with us). After dinner as we readied ourselves for bed and the upcoming event of the next day, it came to our knowledge that my one-year-old swallowed an Adderall pill. Considering it's medication made for an adult and will make your heart beat extra fast, Adam and I panicked like we've never panicked before. Leaving Hannah with her grandmother's we buckled him in car seat with shaking hands and tore off down the road for Northeast Baptist Hospital. On the way there, with Adam performing some moves that should NEVER be done in the presence of a police officer, I kept picturing them pumping his little stomach, and I went from panic to having a full blown anxiety attack. Well they got us from the ER waiting room and into hospital room with surprising efficiency, though not fast enough for a mother who is about complete meltdown. After talking with a nurse then waiting for a doctor, they told us all they could do is monitor his signs for the next 6 hours. This was at about 10 o'clock at night, mind you. which meant Brady would have to stay there until at least 3 am. So, they hooked him up to a heart monitor and he fell asleep on Adam's chest in about 3 seconds. After A LOT of convincing from Adam, my parents came and picked me up and took me back to my hotel. Adam and Brady came strolling into the hotel room at about 2:30 am. needless to say no one got very much sleep that night.

We all got up the next morning, not so refreshed or bright-eyed, had breakfast and lots and lots of coffee. Considering we didn't have to be at the Alamo Dome until two we decided to take what we had of the day and sight see in San Antonio. All we really had time to do was see the Alamo, which was pretty cool. Smaller than expected but still cool. And the architecture is beautiful. After realizing we only had about 30 minutes to spare we flew threw San Antonio traffic, with Adam changing clothes in the car - while he was driving I might add. Don't ask me how he did it. Anyway, he made it to his graduation with seconds to spare.

Like the proud wife I am, I watched him receive his diploma, took lots of pictures - with my mom's camera because the battery in mine died, big surprise there. I'll have to post those pictures later because I haven't uploaded them to the computer and, let's face it, I'm just too plain lazy to do it right now.

So now, Adam is officially a college graduate with his Bachelor's degree. I couldn't be more proud of his determination and endurance during the past four years. For those of you weren't there, you really missed out on a great day. Minus the trip to the ER, we had a really fun weekend.

Until next time...

Playing Catch Up

2010-02-01T07:18:00.000-08:00

So, I know I've been really lazy about posting lately. To be honest, not a whole lot has been happening worth posting about. Well, except for the 6'2", 200lb, fifteen year old now living in our loft, which is only semi-private. But that doesn't seem to bother Jon. In fact, not a whole lot bother's him anyway. He likes the high school and seems to be adjusting well, except when he walks out the door in shorts and a T-shirt when it's 32 degrees outside. Then I sort of wonder about his sanity. But like I said, not a whole lot bothers Jon.

But that's not what this post is about.

It's about my so-called New Year's Resolution (for lack of a better term). And I don't even like that term because I never follow through with it. By the time February rolls around my "resolution" has been shoved the part of my brain labeled "I'll Get Around To This Eventually." But then I never do. I think the last time I made a resolution was in high school. I always had that one english teacher who assigned a paper before the Christmas break where we were supposed to come up with a New Year's resolution and how we plan on following through with it. And I always thought, "Seriously, what the heck am I learning from this?" I usually BS'd my way through it until my nonsense words filled up the mandatory one page. And we all know that when we're writing something that doesn't interest us, one page can feel like 10 pages.

This is all completely beside the point. The point is if I did have a resolution (which I really don't) it would be about forgiveness and my ability to actually dish it out - or rather not. We all have our own interpretations of what it means to forgive, at least I do. After enough time has gone by that person who did you wrong has become such a distant memory that you think to yourself, "I don't really care anymore so I guess I forgive them." But is that really what forgiveness is all about? If you say you forgive a person but you still can't bring yourself to maintain a relationship with them, then you really haven't forgiven them, have you?

When I looked up the literal definition of forgive in websters dictionary, this is what I found. To give up resentment of or claim to requital for; to cease to feel resentment. I don't know about anyone else, but the part I struggle with the most is ceasing to feel resentment. I don't think I've ever uttered the words, "I forgive you." I've certainly said, "Oh, It's okay," or "don't worry about it." But that's not really the same. Because in a very dark part of my mind lingers the tiniest bit of resenment for whatever wronged me. I honestly don't believe that we as human beings have the power to completely forgive a person without some otherwordly help. Maybe that's why I have such a had time forgiving people because I'm not asking for that help. I don't know why I don't. Maybe I feel that if I do forgive a person I'm admitting that whatever happened isn't a big deal or it doesn't really matter. And the things that warrant the forgiveness are a big deal and I can't seem to get to that point where I can let go of all the resentment I feel. I don't really want to walk around knowing I'm deluding myself by saying I've forgiven a person but I still resent them. I don't like being that sort of hypocrite.

For the most part, I think forgiveness is too complex a thing for us to fully understand. But maybe I should be only speaking for myself. I'm sure it's entirely possible for there to be people out there who have no problem forgiving people. They're of the mindset that they don't want to waste their precious time holding grudges. It's not that I like carrying all this baggage around. I just don't think I'm a strong enough person to completely let go of all my resentment. I know what my problem is too; I don't pray about this enough. I don't know why I don't; I should. The Lord is just waiting for me to hand these problems over to Him so they don't weigh on my troubled mind. I think it's one of those things where you have to want the help, and I don't think I do. Sometimes I think I do and other times I'm not sure. I know I'm the worst sort of headcase if I can't figure out whether or not I want to forgive a person. The answer should be a given, right?

Anyway, 2009 really tested my ability to forgive in ways I never thought I would have to deal with. As 2010 rolls on, it has gotten easier to ask that simple question. I've gotten to the point where instead of an immediate, "Hell, no," now it's an head bob accompanied by a "I'm still not sure." I guess that's progress right? Maybe by the time 2011 comes I'll have left the maybe category and stepped foot inside the yes column. I'm not going to hold my breath. There are things coming that will determine my ability to forgive. I don't want them to. Try as might, I know it's inevitable. I have good intentions though. It's just that my follow through sort of sucks.

I guess now is a good place as any to end my rambling. I know some of this doesn't make much sense to those of you out there. Heck, some of it doesn't make sense to me.

In a round about way, I'm what I'm trying to say is if I had a resolution (which I don't) it would be the ability to forgive. It's sort of like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We always search for it, we want it, but we can never get a hold of it.

until next time...

T Minus 2 Days

2009-12-29T11:19:00.000-08:00

Okay I have absolutely no excuse for my lack of posting the past month. When I'm on vacation I tend to completely ignore my computer while my e-mails build up to the 3 digit range. I had planned on adding a post while we were in Disneyland to spread our fantasy cheer. But after spending 12 plus hours walking around, standing in line and riding the Flight of Peter Pan like 6 times, the last thing on my mind as I collapsed on the hotel bed was typing on the computer. Heck, I couldn't even speak a coherent sentence much less type one. Sit tight folks, because I plan to cram 3 weeks worth of activities into one looooong post - and we've been pretty darn active.

First of all, I never thought I'd be more homesick than I am right now. After 3 weeks of living out of a suitcase, sharing a room with Adam and Hannah and traveling from one place to the next, all I want to do is collapse into my own bed and use my own bathroom. Our giddy enthusiasm of taking a vacation has dwindled down to, "okay I'm having fun, but I really want to go home."

Let's start from the beginning shall we. On Saturday, December, 12th, Adam and I were up before the sun, packed our two sleeping, unaware kids in the car and began the two day drive to southern California. At around... oh, I don't know, midnight, 7 very tired, borderline cranky people checked into the California Paradise Pier Hotel for 3 very full days of Disneyland magic. The first and third days there were spent maneuvering our large stroller around other large strollers so Hannah could ride every little kid ride and get her picture taken with every character we ran across. Hannah and I spent a considerable amount of time waiting in line to get a 30 second glimpse of Tinkerbell (which is fast rising up the ranks to bypass the likes of Belle and Ariel) and other Disney princesses. By the way, whatever happened to the characters just walking around whereupon they get hoarded and mobbed by people who just have to get their pictures taken with them? Nowadays you have to find their secret hiding spot and stand in line for 30 min. I guess, given the alternative it's a pretty efficient process. And it did put a smile on Hannah's face which, after all, was the whole purpose to this gleeful trip.

After two days I got my fill of Fantasyland, the Christmas Parade (which I saw twice) and hamburgers that cost like $15. All in all I'd have to say that Disneyland is by far one of my favorite places on earth to spend, probably because I turn into a little kid and still believe that Sleeping Beauty really lives in the castle that has a zillion white lights on it. I will admit that I do get a little bit giddy when I see Mickey Mouse or Pluto strolling through their hometown.

The second day, we spent at the California Adventure park, which I'd never been to before. Those of you who've never been there, it is pretty cool (although in my opinion it doesn't hold a candle to the magic kingdom). Although there are a lot more characters walking around than at disneyland. We spent a majority of time at the park that pays special tribute to A Bugs Life. Hannah and grandma rode every little kiddy ride till I had my fill of kiddy rides and needed to do something daring to feel adult again. That's when I was talked into riding the Hollywood Tower of Terror. I don't know why I did this ride. I spent the whole thing with my eyes closed and my head burried behind adam's shoulder. Ten years ago I would have done this ride over and over until my knees felt like jelly. Somewhere along the line, I lost my nerve for free-falling at sixty miles an hour and walking out feeling like my small intestine is lodged up in my throat. Since the ride didn't malfunction and plummet me to my fiery death, I suppose no harm was done.

So after 3 long, tiring days and bags full of suveniers, we headed to the bay area to spend Christmas with Adam's family. We were there for 5 whole days before getting back in the car and heading to my brother-in-law's to spend christmas with his family.

Well, Christmas is over now and life is pretty quiet at the in-laws' house. However we are about 500 pounds heavier with all the presents the kids got. Still haven't figured out how we're going to cram all that stuff in the car, in addition to my nephew's things since he's going to be moving in with us (this has been in the works for quite a while and I won't go into an extremely long post describing the circumstances surrounding that one). But Adam and I are very happy to have him and hope this move is what he needs to get his butt in gear.

So, that brings us up to date with all the activity this past month. Oh, and another little event we had is Brady turned 1 on the 27th. Even though he had no idea what was going on, he did thouroughly enjoy the cake grandma made him - the evidence of it was all over his face.

Here are some pictures of our disneyland trip and a video of Brady eating his cake. Also, at the end is a bonus video of Adam and the boys playing tribute to Willie Nelson on Rockband (which, by the way is the funnest game I have ever played and I'm pretty good at the guitar, thank you very much).

Jingle Bell Rock

2009-11-30T13:50:00.000-08:00

Now that we've all stuffed ourselves to the point where we can't button up our pants unless we inhale a giant breath (I know all you women know exactly what I'm talking about), we have to move on to the most hectic, expensive, stressful yet wonderful time of the year. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I look forward more to the decorating and christmas sweets than anything else. But when I was little it was, "okay how many things can I put on my christmas list?" Now it's more like "how many things can I buy for my kids that'll fit underneath our tree?" Granted we're not getting a tree this year but the concept is still about the same. Actually more than anything I love seeing the look of utter horror on Adam's face when I pull out all the Christmas boxes. Ask him to put on a pair of tights and a pink tutu and you'd probably get the same reaction.

We now have 25 days to get all the necessary gifts that will our loved ones with joy and satisfaction. Every year I say I'm going to start my Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving so I don't have to drop like $500 the weekend before Christmas (which is what I end up doing every year, despite my best intentions). I will say, though, this year I've done a little bit better. I've got almost all my shopping for Hannah done and a few other necessary people. Then I get to count down the days until I have to sit up until midnight wrapping 30 presents and sticking them under the tree without waking up Hannah. Fortunately for me she has her dad's sleeping habits and an atomic bomb wouldn't disturb her.

This year we get to take a trip to Disneyland with the grandparents and a few cousins. Disneyland is one of my favorite places. But more than anything else I love watching Hannah's eyes grow to the size of softballs when she sees Sleeping Beauty's Castle. I have to admit, my eyes still grow big when we walk through the gates, especially at Christmastime. I reach roughly the maturity level of a seven-year-old. I think I'm more giddy at the thought of going than she is.

I hope everyone had as delicious a Thanksgiving as we did. And try not to stretch yourselves too thin with trying to fulfill Christmas magic.

Until next time...

It's happening again

2009-11-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

I'm one of those people who's not so good with voicing my thoughts. Ask me what I'm thinking and you're likely to get an, "oh, nothing." But give me a computer and a piece of paper and I write them down with greater ease than i can speak them. That's a character flaw of mine that drives Adam crazy. In any event, I'm having one of those rare moments where I can't stop thinking and I start to feel like I'm about to have an anxiety attack. Instead of calling Adam and making him crazy with a subject he'd rather not hear about, I've decided to take my emotions out on my poor keyboard. Most of you reading this, probably already know what I'm going to be talking about, especially if you read one of my older post.

I told myself I would not do this again, but I find myself feeling like I have no choice. I HAVE to get this out or else I'll end up taking it out on my poor husband and kids. And since I'll never get to say these words to the person they're directed at, I'll have to settle for typing them instead. I know this person will never read this, and if he does...you know who you are, so I'm not going to use any names. And I'm not going waste time pleading my case and explaining our actions. This is simply how I feel and the thoughts that are running rampant in my head right now. Besides, It won't do any good for a man who only believes what he wants to believe.

I thought I'd gotten to the point where I could go days without thinking about him and when I did, it was more of a distant memory. But for some reason, this morning, I'd gone from thinking about what to do for dinner tonight to this person. All of a sudden I was filled with so much emotion, my hands started trembling and my eyes filled with tears. The words, so many of them I couldn't even think clearly, were too much for me to handle. No matter how much I try, I can't make sense of the situation. It's like living in The Twilight Zone. It's a territory I'm so unfamiliar with, that I don't know what to do with myself. Part of me wants to shout how angry and confused I am, the other part can't stop crying.

The worst part is not knowing why. As long as I live I will never understand how easy it was for him lie to my face. Or why he felt compelled to be so deceptive and dishonest over something that should have never been an issue to begin with. I want to pound on his front door and demand an explanation. I want to know what was going through his head when he set out to screw over his brother's kids. I want to know if he feels guilty, or if he misses us, or he knows deep down inside what he's done is wrong. I want to know why he thinks he should get everything and his brother's kids deserve nothing. These are the words that are constantly going through my head until i get to the point where I can't stand being in my own skin. I want him to know how i feel. I want him to know how hurt and angry and betrayed and confused I am. I want to say all this to him so he'll feel the pinprick straight through his heart the way he's done mine. I thought about sending him a long e-mail to give him a piece of my mind. But I knew he'd delete it without reading. Because in his twisted mind , we're the bad guys.

The only satisfaction I get is thinking how one day he'll come face to face with his brothers again. And he'll have to explain to them why he did this. He'll have to tell them why he thought their children didn't deserve what was rightfully theirs. And why he had to deceive them to get his hands on what didn't belong to him. And for what? He's successfully alienated himself from people he was closest with. Frankly, he was lucky to have us and our kids in his life. Someone who could lie as easily as he did, doesn't deserve to have a relationship with his brother's children.

Of course, this is my anger talking. A part of me hopes to never see his face again. Another part wants to if only for him to see what he's missing. I want to believe that deep down he knows this is wrong and he's wrong. That when he looks at himself in the mirror, he doesn't recognize the face staring back at him. I want him to knock on our door and beg our forgiveness and tell us how sorry he is for lying. I know this will never happen and I'm only setting myself up for disappointment. I can't help it because I can't stop feeling that way. I can't stop these thoughts that haunt me all the time. I can't stop seeing his face and wanting to stomp my feet at how unfair this is. I can't stop thinking about this past year and how every time we saw him, another lie rolled off his tongue, hoping we were stupid enough to believe him.

Why are we the bad guys here? Why are we being bad-mouthed to people Adam and I still wanted to have a relationship with? Thinking about what's being said about us burns me up inside. Certain people judged us without giving us the courtesy of hearing what we have to say. What families do that to each other? I want to think this is more than just about greed. No matter how I try to make sense of this, it always comes back to that. Such a useless and pointless thing has torn this family apart.

I'm not sure what else I can say. I want to keep typing until I feel satisfied i've gotten my feelings out. That'll never happen until I've come face to face with the man who did this. The problem is, I'm not sure I can be in the same room with him. He's lost my trust and respect. I'll never look at him the same again and I don't know if he'll ever be able to get it back.

***Sigh***

To this man, you know who you are, next time you look yourself in the mirror, give yourself a big pat on the back.

Until next time...

An oldie but a goodie

2009-10-29T12:22:00.000-07:00

On Christmas morning, when children open their presents, they do so with a pent up enthusiasm that only children can feel after weeks of budding anticipation. They rip open the shiny, decorative paper, without any thought to how long it took mom and dad... um i mean Santa... to wrap them and arrange the bows. Their eyes bug out of their heads along with a high pitch squeal only dogs can hear. When the festivities are over, they latch on to one perfect gift which gives them joy unlike nothing else they've ever known. They eat with it, sleep with it, tell all their friends about it. I've witnessed this behavior firsthand on a few occasions, even engaged in it myself once upon a time. But as adults, we often find ourselves unable to recapture that uninhibited joy children come by naturally.

Unless, while we're meandering through the monotony of adulthood, we're presented with that one special gift that makes our insides gooey and our eyes light up like nightlights.

Recently Adam was presented with a gift that brought him back to childhood and pulled out his inner giddyness. What was this amazing gift you ask? A PS3? A new flat screen TV? As nice, and expensive, as those things are they are not nearly as endearing as what Adam has gotten his hands on.

A 1989, faded red, Chevy Silverado sat in our driveway as Adam raced home faster than usual. When he pulled into the driveway and laid eyes on the vehicle once owned by his late father, an emotion washed over him that no present at Christmastime could provide a child. Or myself, for that matter. I can only stand on the outside and try to understand how a truck, that has seen better days, could possibly make one person feel like they've just seen Heaven.

Maybe if I had lost someone as close to me as Adam's father was to him, I'd get the full grasp of what owning their vehicle after all this time would mean to me. As it is, I can only provide an outsiders perspective to this heart-warming event that Adam has been so impatiently awaiting.

When it finally came, Adam gazed upon his new vehicle as if he could actually see his father sitting in the driver's seat like he had before he died. In fact, the driver's seat still bears the imprint of Ernie's backside from years of being lovingly driven. Every weekend since it's arrival, Adam spends his Saturdays polishing the engine or driving it around like the proud papa he is. Even Hannah has developed an attachment to the worn vehicle, having affectionately dubbed the car "Old Red."

I wanted to name the truck "Mater" but was overrulled on that one.

Some of you may be thinking, "an old, beat up truck? eh, no thank you I'd rather have a brand, spanking new car." But for Adam, becoming the new owner of the truck that his father drove off the Chevy lot 20 years ago means more to him than any brand-new, tricked out truck.

Maybe it's the butt imprint, or placing his hands on the same steering wheel that his father touched. Or maybe it's palming the same, tarnished keys that once sat in the palm of Ernie's hands. I don't know. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's not any one thing that has made this such a high point in Adam's life. To be honest, I'm not sure its anything that I can put into words. Having never lost a person who was a pillar of strength in my life, I can only step back and see the wonder that crosses my husband's face whenever lays eyes on his cherished new truck. Or when he turns the keys and the engine's deep growl fills the air of our quiet neighborhood. And maybe i can't fully grasp what goes through Adam when he sees the truck. But I can imagine his father, up in Heaven, watching his son so tenderly taking care of the truck as it deserves to be taken care of. And hope that Ernie sees how much joy this has brought to Adam's life. And be proud.

I like to think he is.

until next time...

Our saturday with Big Tex.... and 90,000 football fans

2009-10-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

When Adam and I woke up Saturday morning to clear blue skies we thought...what a perfect day to go to the Texas State Fair - especially since it was the last weekend and they supposedly have the best fried foods around. Although we had heard that the Longhorns were playing the Sooners, which, I've been told is some big rivalry, we also thought, "ah, what the heck lets go anyway." So, having about 50 pounds of baby stuff and other paraphernalia, we set off for the train station.

Big mistake.

What should have been about a forty minute car ride turned out to be a two and a half hour train ride. Why you ask? Well, when you add about... oh, i don't know... a gazillion football fans who were an hour late to the football game, you're bound to have some delays. What i can't figure out is how having a train so full of people that you can't turn around, would cause it go so slowly that we could have walked faster. Bizarre...

After finally arriving and breaking away from already drunken college students, we finally arrived at the fair. I will admit we did not have any of the fried foods the Texas State Fair is so famous for (unless you count the funnel cakes). but hannah did have a foot-long corny dog (just a plain old corn dog to those of you who've never been to the fair). I had a grilled cheese - not spectacular but pretty good for fair-food. But we did have some of the best lemonade, though.

After we stuffed ourselves, we headed for the rides. Hannah, being the fearless child she is, wanted to ride everything she saw, even the ones way too big for a 4-year-old. We did take her in a fun-house, which was nothing more than walking up some funky stairs then going down a slide. Then a merry-go-round and a giant slide, that was a little too intimidating for my taste. After we'd worn ourselves out, we made our way to the exit, with a whole bunch of bummed-out Oklahoma fans - apparently they lost. We fought our way back onto the train and dragged our two sleeping children home.

All in all it was a fun experience, although I don't recommend going when the Cotton Bowl is filled with a huge college rivalry. And I wish i'd tried some of the deep fried peaches and cream and maybe the deep fried cookie dough. Here are some pictures from our day.

Until next time...

The big day

2009-09-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

This post will be short and sweet.

Hannah had her first day of school. Actually it was like 3 weeks ago, but I'm just now getting around to blogging about it. We were without internet for 2 weeks. Funny, how I never realized how much I depend on the internet until I had to go without it. But now that I've gone through several episodes of withdraw, I'm finally back online.

Back to the point at hand. Hannah's first day of Pre-K (which I like to call Preschool 1.5) She gets to carry her own backpack - it actually serves nothing more than to carry her lunch. I fully expected tears and leg-clinging. But she surprised me when all I got was a hug, kiss and a goodbye in her soft little voice. Everyday she comes home talking about a new letter she's learned and the sound the letter makes. Then she rambles about a story that got read to her, like I'm supposed to know exactly what she's talking about. I just smile and nod. That's what I do best.

That's on her first day of school with her very special Disney Princess backpack. Anything with a Disney princess is the fastest way to her heart.

Until next time...

Blood is thicker than water...or is it?

2009-08-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

That's an age old saying I've begun to question the validity of in recent weeks. I'm convinced that whoever coined this phrase never had so much as a scuffle with their family members. Now, we all know every family has their little quirks and disagreements, otherwise they're just not normal. After all, we can't all be the Brady Bunch. Not that I'm trying to knock the Brady Bunch; I'm pretty envious of them right now.

Don't get me wrong, I've always counted myself extremely lucky when it comes to the blessings of family. However, lately Adam and I have been forced to take a step back and do a reevaluation of those we considered to be indispensable. And by indispensable, I mean people I opened my heart up to and loved like I would my own blood. I should probably say this reevaluation process isn't something we've come to by choice. It's been more of a whirlwind chain of events we've been thrust into whether we were ready for it or not. Although I don't see how anyone could possibly ready themselves to experience the things my husband and I have been through.

I can't get through the simplest task, like brushing my teeth, without asking myself the same question over and over: if I had known, twelve years ago, I'd be battling one of the most difficult battles, would I have opened up and let myself become so blindly attached?

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for that because I simply don't know. It's sort of like that phrase, "better to have loved that not to have loved at all." I'm not sure if I agree with this.

Some of you reading this may say that's no way to live. But I say anything has to be better than the deep rooted hurt and betrayal that's made a permanent home in my heart. Oddly enough anger is one of those useless emotions I haven't felt, which caught me by surprise, to be honest. I must admit though, at times it does start to churn inside me if I let myself think too much. I'm not sure which is worse: feeling betrayed by those who you love, or becoming angry over something you can't change.

This is the internal conflict Adam and I have had over the past thirty or so days. We've been told this is only going to get uglier, which I'm not sure is even possible. Nevertheless, we both know we'll be walking away from this feeling like we've lost a piece of ourselves that we'll never be able to get back. Yes, to an extent time does heal all wounds, but one never truly forgets do they? Over time I might be able think about those who once had such a special place in my heart. And, yes, the pain may not be as crippling. But I'll always carry those ugly battle scares we incur while experiencing an encounter such as this.

I have to be honest, this post isn't entirely satisfying because I don't think these words are doing my true feelings any justice. It's sort of like losing someone to a long battle with cancer. Only the deceased is someone who was taken against their will, and given the choice they'd rather spend their time among people they love the most. All I can say is, these aren't people Adam and I have lost to cancer. But the end result is still the same. For the rest of your life, you walk around thinking how quickly your loved one was taken from you and how unfair it is. And there are a thousand things you need to say to them but...you just can't.

At the end of the day, we all have choices we make in life. I can't say that I regret any of mine; they've shaped me into the person I am today. Ask my husband and he'll probably tell you a different story. Regardless of what decisions we made, these events would have transpired anyway. But it doesn't make the outcome any easier to swallow.

When this is over, all Adam and I can do is pick up the bloody pieces left behind. Perhaps over time we can take those pieces and put our hearts back together. Adam might be able to. He is, after all, a fixer who wants instant gratification. He'll try as much as he's able to mend these severely broken relationships. He might even admit wrongdoing, because that's just the way he is. As for me... well, my husband and I are very different people. Things tend to linger with me longer than I would care for. I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I could open up my wounded heart and let people back in. To be honest, I don't know if I want to.

Until next time.

A Nice Treat for the Whole Family? Not So Much

2009-08-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago, as I lay in my King size bed in those few moments before i drift off to slumber-land, I scrolled through the guide on the TV looking for something watchable to give me that gentle nudge i need to get to sleep. Most nights there aren't a whole lot short of ridiculous reality shows and re-runs of movies I've seen one too many times.

During my third tip through the channels i finally settled on Dances With Wolves. Granted I have seen this movie more times than i can count. But it's one of the few movies that's worth watching more than once. Why is that? Well for one thing, the script isn't some stupid nonsense with one curse word after another. And the acting is far superior than ninety percent of the garbage out there. Which made me think...movies these days are no where near the quality they used to be. I just can't bring myself to spend a whopping $10 for a movie that isn't even worth my time to watch on TBS. Movies that are so lame and predictable, my 4 year old could have done a better job.

That led me to this morning, watching the last half of Apollo 13 - another movie worth watching more than once. As the last of the credits of one of Tom Hanks' best movies came to a close another movie began. Something titled One Missed Call. I remembered seeing previews when it first came out, but nothing about this movie flickered the tiniest spark of interest in me. As the opening credits appeared on the screen I was momentarily distracted by my 2 children demanding attention. By the time I had the baby down for a nap and Hannah preoccupied with some toys, the first scene of the movie had opened. For those of you who've never seen this, here is my synopsis of this Oscar-worthy film.

Your cell phone rings and you hear a message of yourself dying. Can you guess what happens next? That's right folks.... you die! Not enough to grab your attention? Keep reading; it gets so much more interesting.

Our heroine in this movie keeps getting bombarded by friends who are receiving these mysterious phone calls, like she has the know-how to solve this predicament all by her little-bitty self. Two problems i have with this: no one seems even remotely perplexed that they are hearing themselves on their own voice mail. These messages earn nothing more than a few furrowed brows and some, "hmm, that's strange." Followed by them snapping their cell phones shut and prancing along their merry way. When the friends start dying some strange, otherwordly deaths, that again no one seems bothered by this, our heroine starts developing a 6th sense to detect the danger around her. For some unexplainable reason she sees things no one else does. Coinsidence? I like to refer to it as plain old bad writing.

Wait, there's more. Instead of realizing that no one could possibly be killed by a cell phone, our genious female lead gathers all her friends' cell phones and destroys them. However, much to the audiences' shock, the phones continue to torment these people. As the movie progesses, the scenes are nothing more than the characters walking down dark, deserted streets, all the while sensing the impending doom that lurks just around the corner. Or in some scenes on the other side of a front door. Im sorry, but when someone knocks on my door I don't slowly approach it while hyperventilating and biting my lip. But, then again, had my cell phone been stalking me I might have. But as the terrified girl slowly got closer and closer to her door i wanted to shout, "don't open it. It's your cell phone!"

Still not hooked? Just wait. I haven't gotten to the climax yet. It gets so much better.

As we near the ending scene, the heroine, along with a hunky police detective she's teamed up with, investigate one dead end after another. In the meantime her friends keep dropping dead from causes that no one can figure out. At the end our two leads end up in yet another dark and deserted place: a wherehouse. Don't these people know that the bad guy is always skulking in a dark, filthy wherehouse? But nevertheless their clues, and when i say clues i mean their own brilliant intuition, leads them to this place. And, to the advantage of our phsycopath, there are no human beings within a 50 mile radius. I don't know about you, but that would be my first clue to run screaming in the other direction. Regardless they are brave enough to venture here and apprehend their suspect with their own two hands.

As they slowly make their way inside they are greeted with sharp metal objects hanging in every available space in this place. Another coincidence? Nope, still just bad writing.

Suddenly, our two brave heros are chasing this mysterious foe who has a superhuman sense to stay one step ahead of them the entire time. Just then, the detective is rendered unconscience by something he doesn't even see coming, leaving the poor helpess female to be assaulted by the mystery killer.

As she very dramatically tries to waken her male protector, she realizes she has to run! now, instead of using her brain and running to the nearest police station, she somehow makes it inside the air vents, only to be caught. And it is finally revealed that our killer is actually some disgusting, sub-human creature who lacks the ability to walk or talk. Our heroine lays helplessly while this alien-thing crawls on hands and knees, snarling like a rabid dog closer and closer. Funny, how this thing didn't hesitate to kill all her friends, but suddenly grows a conscience when it comes to the lead character. How very strange...

But it doesn't end there. No, luckily, and mysteriously this girl, maybe by the powers of persuasoin, gets away. As I sat precariously on the edge of my seat, biting my nails in anticipation the sub-human monster somehow knows where our girl lives. And when her doorbell rings, her woman's intuition tells her something not-so-nice looms on the other side. But before she can get there, the door is blasted open, knocking her on her backside. But, just when you are really riveted and waiting for this girl to be put out of her misery, the alien-thing is sucked back into the cell phone from where it originated. And our heroine walks away unscathed.

And so ends another original yet far-fetched horror movie. And before I knew it, somewhere in the vicinity of 2 hours had passed and i'd watched this entire film. But not because it was good. It couldn't tear myself away because I just had to see how many similarities this movie had with other dozens of sub-human horror films that had passed before it. And let me tell you, there are A LOT. Whatever happend to just having a person who goes whacko and starts hacking away at people with a larger than average butcher knife? Guess those days are over....

But at the end of the day, I'd have to say this movie ranks up there with scrubbing toilets.

Until next time...

parting with a dear, old, gas guzzling friend

2009-08-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

4 and half years ago Adam and I drove off the Dublin Toyota lot in our brand-spanking new, gold Highlander. As I tearily parted with my beloved navy blue Honda Accord, I claimed a proud ownership to a new 2003 Toyota Highlander. With all it's bells and whistles, not to mention being higher than your average sedan driver, my Highlander successfully turned me into a very devoted SUV, and Toyota - gotta love those Japanese - lover.

So why are we passing on our Sequoia onto yet another SUV lover?

Ah, that's just the way life goes sometimes.

Oh, did I mention that 3 years ago we upgraded from a Highlander to a Sequoia? With 2 nephews, a neice and a sister to cart around we decided that a Highlander, with it's capacity to only hold 5, was just not enough car for us. Not to mention every time I pulled into a gas station an attendant would walk out, knock on my window and politely ask, "excuse me Miss, which arm should I cut off?"

Okay, so that never really happened. But it could have considering we lived in a region where gas was a dollar well above the national average.

So, fast forward three years later.

In our garage sits my cherished, rather large two-tone silver Sequoia, detailed and buffed to a pristine clean just waiting for another owner to come and snatch it up. And I'll say good-bye with all the diginity of a grown up all the while holding back the tears for the car that has become like a third child. Silly, the attachments we develop for things that don't have a heart beat.

Then I'll start the ignition to my smaller, more fuel efficient SUV. But will I love it as much as the monster truck I used to drive? Never.

Well, okay I'm sure I will eventually. I'm sentimental like that.

No doubt you are wondering what smaller, more fuel efficient SUV will occupy the space in our garage. Drum roll please...

It's a 2009 Astin-Martin.

For those of you paying attention to this post you're thinking, ya right.

And you're correct. I just had to throw that out there. The only way you'll see my name on a pick slip to a car that costs more the than the Gross National Product to a small country is if Adam and I win the lottery. I think i read somewhere that you have a better chance of being struck by lightning. I think that sums up my chances very nicely.

Sadly, to answer your question... we don't know. No SUV has been special enough to catch my eye. And I'm not picky.

Okay, you caught me again. I am just a little bit picky. I can't help it.

Until next time...

mixed feelings...but mostly good

2009-07-29T13:14:00.000-07:00

After 12 days, roughly 4 hours and....who knows about many minutes, it still has not hit me that northern Texas is my new home. The house has been unpacked, every last box broken down, every picture put up, every piece of clothing put away and yet as I sit here watching Tropic Thunder - which, by the way, is a very vulgar movie, I feel like I'm on a not-so-relaxing vacation. Could be the fact that both our cars have their California plates and I've yet to get a Texas driver's license. But what has hit is how FAR AWAY we are from family who used to be a 5 minute drive away. People I've depended on, complained about, laughed with, cried with, played jokes on (Joe sorry about that whole Craig's List thing) are now like....lots and lots of miles away. The only thing that keeps me from continuing on the random spurts of crying that accompanied me on the drive down here are my kids and husband.

Having that said, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Therefore I know the Big Man upstairs would not have dragged us all the way down here to see a few awesome thunderstorms; although that is an added bonus. My only hope now is that our family will decided to throw all their possessions into their cars and make the Lone Star State their permanent residence. But if I hold my breath waiting for that to happen Adam would find me passed out blue on the living room floor. So, I'm also a firm believer of not dwelling on the things you can't change so.... as the great Forrest Gump would say, that's all I have to say about that.

Now on to bigger and better things: The shootout at the O.K. Corral.

No, I'm not going to give you a history lesson. What I am going to give you are a few pictures of our little detour to Tombstone, Az.

For those of you who've seen the movie these will make sense. for those of you you haven't these probably look like nothing more than a couple of old headstones.

We missed the reenactment by only 20 min. sadly i was the only one our group who thought that would have been cool to see.

Just a really cool old building. They're closed on Wednesdays. Guess which day we happen to be there...

Apparently Wyatt Earp is alive and well

If adam's not careful I might leave him for this guy

Now that that's taken care of i need to give a shout out to people miss so much i can't hardly stand it: My sister (always), my boys (J & J), grandma and grandpa and miss ray lynn. Oh, and those cool california breezes.

stay tuned for more...

2009-07-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

Another image of our house. again pretty self explanatory

2009-07-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

This is our house from the front. pretty self explanitory

Welcome Friends...

2009-07-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

to my first every attempt at blogging. For years I never understood the purpose for a blog - after all, why not just send e-mails? it's easy and requires the least amount of effort on my part at keeping in touch with people. But this is so much more fun because i get to (sort of) design my own website (kind of, sort of). So, even though my little blog is no where near the coolness of Yahoo or Google (perhaps one day) i think it's kind of cool.

This will give me the chance of posting pictures of the house and kids (maybe even a video or two). i figured this was a better option than waiting for the monotonous, never-ending e-mail to figure out how to send 2 whole pictures. and it will give me something to do on those days where I've tired myself out from having tea parties and taking Hannah's barbie dolls to the pretend beach in their little pink plastic convertible.

Anyhow, welcome to The Kern family blog-land! And when i say Kern family i mean little old me.